August 23th, 2025

i hope my phone break, let it ring

There is always a train, there is always a train and I am always on it, I am always on it. It is always moving forward and I am always riding it forward until it won't go anymore. I'm not driving the train but there is always a train that I am always on going forward without trying, going forward on a train that has no destination. There is always a train and I am the only one on it.

I used to live near enough a train station to actually ride it every now and then. Now I live in a backwards area that has little to no public transport. I've always found trains fun, I don't have special interest in them but when I'm riding one I feel especially interested in being there.

It seems like the most stable form of transport in that the car is literally on rails. I know very well things can go off the rails but in theory it's not supposed to (it's not supposed to) and that screech of steel on steel lets us all know this carriage is serious and feels older than the idea of travel.

I've been rewatching Neon Genesis Evangelion and before you roll your eyes I can tell you it's one of my most favorite things in the world, so you should feel bad. There are a lot of scenes at the train station or scenes on a train. To me it always represented the characters lack of agency, that no one in the show has any control over their lives nor even understand what they're doing and to what end. There are important moments that happen at train stations, in the show, in real life. I proposed to the love of my life at a train station, I've had panic attacks that felt like the end in trains, in buses, in the back of taxis. Once I got on the wrong bus and it changed the course of my entire life. I moved across country with my mother when I was ten years old, on a train.

My father was on the other side of that train, behind me, and if we had never left...

A lot of shit happens on trains. And cars. A lot. I read Lolita for the first time on a train, on a long trip, and it felt apt. I had been an emotionally abused child that was pulled from this safe place and that to somewhere I didn't know and back again. Never given agency or asked where I wanted to be, where I felt comfortable.

I've been rewatching Evangelion because I'm depressed. Because I feel like I've lost all control of my life and while the world continues to burn around me, I just want to watch something worse. Something beautiful and raw, but worse. It's the same reason I watch horror, to feel comforted by the surreal absurded unreality of it all.

But I need hope and hope is television to the sad elder millennial. Hope is media, in small doses, here and there, the good shit that gets into your bloodstream and changes your dna. Or something more scientific sounding.

I think I've lost my train of thought.

Email me.

August 7th, 2025

identity crisis

These past few weeks I spent relearning how to code and falling in love with making websites again. I had thought the internet was dead and completely toxic but it's still thriving and there's still a decent community underneath it all.

I've discovered the wonder that is Neocities and the revival of the old internet. I've been spending too many late hours surfing the web again like the old days, looking at page after page of websites listed in the Neocities directory. (There's also Nekoweb and self-hosting.)

My main form of creativity for the past twelve years has been painting or some sort of practical art. I only recently in the last few years got into digital art, and I've while gotten better at it the practice still not doesn't click in my brain the way that traditional art does. So recently coding and designing my own site has been a newly realized form of creativity I had missed.

I made some sites in the past. Never anything too wild because I spent most of my early years too poor for a real computer. I managed to make some decent fansites for the Backstreet Boys and Jake Gyllenhaal with something called WebTV. I've mentioned it here before but what a concept that thing was: Just a shitty modem you connected to your tv to act as the monitor. It was sort of amazing for people who couldn't afford a computer. Even though I couldn't download software or any images, I still managed to use HTML (and some of my online friends help!) to make sites.

Then when we got a proper computer I was in my late teens and I started making personal sites. Webpages that displayed things I liked, blogs, obnoxious blinkies and dollz everywhere. Of course, you know I have those things on my website NOW. ;)

All this nostalgia inspired me to create my new site and be honest about who I am. I started this tumblr a few weeks ago saying I don't know if I'll share too much about myself and then proceeded to list a bunch of my likes and ramble about my cats on my website. I live up to my username.

I started getting into fandoms again a little, and meeting some new people online. I hadn't revisited the "fangirl" side of me in a while and for a while that was how I lived my life. I spent a lot of time alone taking care of my mother, so I didn't have a social life. I think there's a part of me that's ashamed to embrace that I was ever someone who lived out their life through fantasy, but I kind of had to. I would have gone crazy without it.

And they're still in here, that rabid fan who gets excited and wants to write about their favorite episodes of tv.

But as much as I want to be myself, I also currently have a semi-relevant persona in the town I'm living in (which - is pretty backwards & hard to be yourself in for sure but that's another post) where I have shown pieces of art and tried to appear "professional", whatever that means.

It's hard for me to compartmentalize because I could just have two websites: one for my professional work and one for me to be my honest fandom cringe self but I can only be passionate about one thing at a time. So one of those is going to suffer. I know I'm overthinking most of this, I'm not Clark Kent and no one would be surprised to find out I'm nerdy but there is a certain way you want to be presented in the world. And then there's the way that you present. It's a strange balance that I can't ever find a way to reconcile in my brain.

I think, because I am an artist.

If I'm going to put so much energy into one side of myself, shouldn't I just become self-actualized and be myself always? Is that even possible? Again, every person who's every met me in my life has met a different person. Not because I'm a grifter but because everyone sees me differently. I can't control how anyone sees me so I might as well control what I show.

I doubt I'm explaining myself well, most of you would just tell me to have two websites. I'm also having a crisis of art style and slight block lately because I DO want to completely change my style or just do different things. But again, my brain is telling me I need to be one type of way. That I need to keep doing what people expect of my art. But then again, what do I know about what people expect of me?

I can only perceive of their perception of me, after all.

I am posting my art on my site, though. And I think that's the big thing is that it's such a part of me there's no way I can't include it on a personal website about myself.

Email me.